I feel like my first two months on tumblr could be characterized by a mad, frantic almost insatiable compulsion to find and post things that were important to me — almost like I NEEDED a means by which I could externalize my Self for examination and understanding.
How do you love yourself into right acting, right doing, right being when you are so inherently aware of past tendencies to not act, not do, not be someone worth loving?
Even as I write the word “worth” I know that that is technically incorrect.
Who we ARE is worth loving.
It’s the ACTION, the thing that is done that can/should be judged, not the doer.
“Hate the sin, not the sinner.”
But what if that sinner is you?
How do you renounce the sin, fully grasp its implications, and separate the Self?
How can the Self move on? Let go? Be happy?
How can the Self move forward once more knowing the pattern it has set in motion is to fail each time the moment of truth arrives?
How does one “feel good” about oneself when one’s past actions predict nothing worth betting on?
And yet, I can’t give up on me.
This is not arrogance. Only logic. Fact.
Because if I, the doer, give up, how can the right action be done?
I must hold the course.
I came to a fork in the road and realized I needed a spoon to scoop the fresh muck or a knife to pierce the hardened muck before contemplating the fork was even possible.
Being who you’re supposed to be is hard.
It shouldn’t be.
It should be the most natural thing to be who you are.
Except when it’s not.
Or maybe it’s the accepting who you are part that gets convoluted — reconciling “who you are” with “who you’re supposed to be” when neither is clear, or when one is clear and the other is fuzzy, or when there shouldn’t be a “who you’re supposed to be” in the first place — just a “who you are.”
That’s why it’s difficult, I guess.
Where exactly did the “supposed to be” come from?
the heart is a funny thing.
or the mind
or the complex interplay between the two that ignites the tantalizing longing for potential realized.
is the fulfillment of that potential what one would call success — what I should call success?
what happens to potential that does not transmute in form?
how does the heart
or the mind